Friday, March 21, 2008

Economic Depression Averted with Anti-Depressants


*BREAKING (future) NEWS* - Looming Depression averted with government subsidized anti-depressants.

In a bold move by the outgoing Bush administration, President Bush signs a declaration of friendship and cooperation with all major pharmaceutical companies, and declares War On Terrible, issuing an executive order defining anyone depressed as enemy combatants. In a landmark deal, Big Pharma agrees to inoculate the American populace before economic depression sets in, and in return, all pharma companies can enjoy the fruits of corporate welfare without ever suffering the consequences, and perhaps some well disguised no-bid contracts.

Says president Bush, "If folks in Amurika, aren't feeling bad, then there's no depression. It's my job as the decider to decide that Amurikans shouldn't feel bad, even if that means they don't feel much at all."

In an effort to clarify the president's remarks, White House spokesperson Dana Perino met with the press and stared far off into the distance for a few moments before finally throwing her arms in the air and storming out of the room, mumbling inaudibly.

Recognizing the potential for criminal and liability lawsuits he might be facing for such an extreme move, the president plans to resign from office one week early, but not before issuing another executive order granting retroactive immunity to the citizen Richard Cheney, currently serving as Vice President. Upon Bush's resignation, all executive authority is transferred to Vice President Dick Cheney, who has agreed that as president, he will grant a full pardon to George W. Bush, while enjoying the full privilege of blanket immunity himself.

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